A nice story for children. Very smooth development of the story and well-structured. Some minor corrections.

nothanks(ciel)

Long long ago ==> long long (time) ago

on top on which is a large stone ==> on top of which was a large stone

He joined in other monkeys ==> delete “in”

landed on the dry land ==> landed on a dry land

specious ==> typo. spacious

All monkeys saw him leaping in and out without scratching, they all followed him and leaped through the screen of the waterfall. ==> After seeing him leap in and out without being scratched, all the monkeys followed him and leaped through the screen of the waterfall.

All monkeys are thrilled to accept the stone monkey as their king.==> were thrilled

(#7956660@0)
Last Updated: 2012-12-16

Journey to the west (2) -ybaby(bedingtime); 2012-12-15 {1613} (#7956453@0)

本文发表在 rolia.net 枫下论坛Those in the monkey kingdom, with the Magnificent King at their head, were living happily and comfortably for a long time. One day after 200 years, the Monkey King realized that all living beings must die and he had no exception. He decided to leave his kingdom and look for a way to achieve immortality. His fellows helped him prepare for his voyage.

The Monkey King traveled for several months, crossed two continents and finally hit the shore of a magic island. He asked the master to accept him as a disciple. He was admitted as a novice, and given a new name of Sun Wu Kong. He started to do a servant’s work, such as sweeping floor, cooking and serving the master and the higher disciples. His hard work and intelligence impressed the Master. The Master agreed to teach him to achieve immortality.

The Master gave him the secret mantra and instructions to achieve longevity. Wu Kong worked very hard to memorize and to follow all the instructions. He was pleased that he had succeeded in achieving immortality. But the Master said, “There will be three shocks that will come upon everyone who have lived several hundred years. They all kill unless they know the way to count the effects in advance.” Wu Kong was in a real panic. He knelt in front of the Master and begged for the Shu. The Master taught him 72 supernatural tricks and a flying technique called ‘somersault flight’. Now he could be immortal and he could fly 108,000 miles with one somersault.

Wu Kong knelt to the Master to thank him for all he had taught, and took one somersault to return to his kingdom in a second.更多精彩文章及讨论，请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net

Are they the new version of 《西游记》？ -redjunk(rolia); 2012-12-15 (#7956454@0)
Some suggestions for you to consider. -nothanks(ciel); 2012-12-16 {1261} (#7956679@0)
本文发表在 rolia.net 枫下论坛Those in the monkey kingdom, with the Magnificent King at their head, were living happily and comfortably for a long time ==> as their head. This sentence is quite jarring and can be rewritten as “Those monkeys, led by the Magnificent King, had been living in the monkey kingdom happily and comfortably for a long time.”

the Monkey King realized that all living beings must die and he had no exception ==> he was no exception

He decided to leave his kingdom and look for a way to achieve immortality. ==> and started looking for…

His fellows helped him prepare for his voyage ==> to prepare

Disciple ==> disciple is a term with strong religious meaning. Maybe “student/pupil/apprentice” are more understandable for children.

They all kill unless they know the way to count the effects in advance. ==> they all will be killed. Not sure what “count the effects” means. The way to tell forebodings?
Now he could be immortal and he could fly 108,000 miles with one somersault. ==> Now he could be immortal and fly 108,000 miles in one somersault.

Wu Kong knelt to the Master to thank him for all he had taught ==> taught him.

took one somersault to return to his kingdom in a second. ==> somersaulted back to his kingdom in a second.更多精彩文章及讨论，请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net

Thank you for your reply, here is my answer: -ybaby(bedingtime); 2012-12-16 {594} (#7957248@0)
1)“with the Magnificent King at their head” is used to modify “those” --- It looks more funny to me.
2) was no exception --- agree with you :)
3) I check the prepare/ prepare for in the dictionary, and I’m confident to use “prepare for his voyage.”
4) disciple is classical, but your suggestion is very good.
5)“They all kill” – (they: the three shocks). The three shocks killed those people who achieved longevity. / count the effect is used to modify “the way” to avoid the three shocks.
6) somersault: I am more comfortable to use with one somersault.
Again thank you.
Excellent comments. Only on two minor points if I may disagree: -goingconern(GoingConcern); 2012-12-17 {467} (#7958723@0)
He decided to leave his kingdom and look for a way to achieve immortality. ==> and started looking for…==> we can simply say, " he decided to leave his kingdom in search of a way to achieve immortality" or " he decided to leave his kingdom for a way to achieve immortality".

His fellows helped him prepare for his voyage ==> to prepare ==> I don't think this correction is necessary. "Help sb do something" and "help somebody to do sth" are both correct.

Agree with you on the second point. As far as the first one goes, I think Nothanks's expression also makes sense. Your correction subtly altered the original meaning and did not make it any simpler. -winterstorm(打酱油的); 2012-12-17 (#7958797@0)

A nice story for children. Very smooth development of the story and well-structured. Some minor corrections. -nothanks(ciel); 2012-12-16 {600} (#7956660@0)

Should be: on top of which THERE was a stone. ...if "on" is used, then "there" cannot be omitted here. If you meant to say the entire top of the mountain was a stone, then the clause should be structured as : the top of which was a stone.... -winterstorm(打酱油的); 2012-12-16 (#7956708@0)

The sentence can be an inverted sentence. -nothanks(ciel); 2012-12-16 (#7956777@0)

I think author means the first case. Putting "there" does make it formal. -nothanks(ciel); 2012-12-16 (#7956814@0)

Thanks for your response. -winterstorm(打酱油的); 2012-12-16 (#7956988@0)

你们两个这么扭扭捏捏的看起来别扭。 -wincity(红卫兵); 2012-12-16 (#7957006@0)

真理越辩越明,挺好的,,,呵呵 -redjunk(rolia); 2012-12-16 (#7957422@0)

受益匪浅啊，向您学习。。。 -redjunk(rolia); 2012-12-16 (#7957120@0)

写的不错。流畅，有趣。呵呵，，，不要介意那些给你挑毛病的回帖。布什演讲的时候，口误，发音，语法错误不断。布什的演讲稿还有一些音标，有的生僻国家他也不会念，，，呵呵，， -linuxsun(ssss); 2012-12-16 (#7957065@0)

听说你是高级知识分子，那你不会不知道“指出毛病”和“挑毛病”之间的微妙差别吧？ -winterstorm(打酱油的); 2012-12-16 (#7957138@0)

别人俺不清楚，不过刺哥就是这样的人,He is ...so particular. -redjunk(rolia); 2012-12-16 (#7957151@0)
估计国内前3名的网站足够你忙10000年的。豆瓣，天涯，猫扑论坛，绝大多数的汉语帖子都是大量的语法错误，拼写错误，没有人在乎。。。。帖子内容的逻辑性，连贯性，营养性值得评论，其他都是鸡蛋里挑骨头。 -linuxsun(ssss); 2012-12-16 (#7957219@0)

不过这里是外语学习论坛，研究讨论语言问题名正言顺。我看你的宪政话题倒不是太适合本版块的宗旨。请别误会，本人不过就事论事，没别的意思。 -winterstorm(打酱油的); 2012-12-16 (#7957242@0)
对答得体，不温不火。。。姿态之高，心胸之大，让对方哑口无言啊 -redjunk(rolia); 2012-12-16 (#7957409@0)
讲师最近很无聊啊，是不是对土共的仇恨淡化了不少？真是可喜可贺啊。也是你的外甥们的福音啊。 -wincity(红卫兵); 2012-12-16 (#7957430@0)
请问知老师，什么人类可以活10000年？这是您所谓的帖子的逻辑性，连贯性，营养性吗？ -c_w(cw); 2012-12-16 (#7957475@0)

西游记里的齐天大圣 -ybaby(bedingtime); 2012-12-22 (#7968394@0)

哪里是撒子知识分子，明明是个反华分子嘛。呵呵 -redjunk(rolia); 2012-12-16 (#7957413@0)

毛主席教导我们，知识越多越反动。 -atomo(德艺双馨); 2012-12-17 (#7958295@0)

主席确实是太英明伟大了:-) -thornthorn($oOHoly MolyOo$); 2012-12-17 (#7958525@0)

伟大领袖毛泽东，英明领袖华国锋。 -atomo(德艺双馨); 2012-12-18 (#7960382@0)

"There was also a big sign in front of the cave..." 建议用 "out front of" as mentioned by Soys Brother's post #7956122 -redjunk(rolia); 2012-12-16 (#7957168@0)

"He joined in other monkeys; they played together, fed on fruits together and had great fun."——joined them就好了，in似乎是多余了；然后就是和群众打成一片，吃喝拉撒在一起 eat/drink/pee/poop together and had a lotof fun, what a wonderful world! -redjunk(rolia); 2012-12-16 {465} (#7957179@0)

不错～ -blankbliss(给我一个空间); 2012-12-16 (#7957193@0)

Your writing is so awesomely awesome! -mikesmith(老猫); 2012-12-16 (#7957461@0)

@Florida

A nice story for children. Very smooth development of the story and well-structured. Some minor corrections.

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