This is my essay. Please give me some advise. Thank you. -littleboat(准备托福中) @佛州华人论坛:佛州枫下论坛 The Rolia Forum of Florida

工作学习 / 求学深造 / 由于参加我们写作互改组的人比较多. 我提议有我每天选写作题目, 大家把自己写的作文贴在网上, 我会每天下午或晚上贴出范文. 欢迎大家提出修改意见, 但请使用文明语言. 今天的题目是: -littleboat(准备托福中); 2002-4-23 {144} (#477364@0)
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Parent are the best teachers. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

哇, 现在本站居然提供做作业的福利, 甚好, -slimpiggy(瘦猪犹如插翅虎); 2002-4-23 (#477403@0)

欢迎主席, 检查指导. -littleboat(准备托福中); 2002-4-23 (#477560@0)

This is my essay. Please give me some advise. Thank you. -littleboat(准备托福中); 2002-4-23 {1661} (#477555@0)
本文发表在 rolia.net 枫下论坛Parents are the most important people in children's lives. Do you think they are the best teachers in our lives? My answer is no. They are the earliest teacher in our lives but not the best teacher.

First, Parents' knowledge is limited by many factors, such as major, education, interesting and so on. With the social developing, people's jobs become more different than before, no one can know everything in all kinds of fields. My father is a very good dentist. He knows a lot of knowledge about teeth, but he hasn’t any knowledge about computer. Even he can learn some thing and then teach me, he still be short on mathematics that is a very necessary background for computer engineering.

Second, parents didn't get good training that the teacher's did. As a good teacher, he will learn a lot of knowledge then he can know how to guide children's interesting, how to encourage children and how to correct children's mistakes without hurting their feeling. I am sure many parents have not that kind of knowledge and patient.

Third, parents love their children too deep to judge their children's behavior correctly. When I was learning how to play piano, my mother thought I was very tired and it is too hard for me. When I wanted to give up, she didn't push me and just let me do what I want. The result is my friends who studied piano with me can play piano very well, and I forgot everything.

As all of reasons, I think parents are not the best teachers for us. But parents are the most important teachers for us in the beginning of our lives. Their behavior help children built their personalities for their whole lives.更多精彩文章及讨论，请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net

标准八股文，写的好，朕点你为本科状元 -sunnysky(sunnysky); 2002-4-23 (#477569@0)

我需要建议和新的思路. -littleboat(准备托福中); 2002-4-23 (#477587@0)

"that kind of knowledge and patient. " -mamamio(玛玛米哦！); 2002-4-23 (#477595@0)

How do you correct it ? -littleboat(准备托福中); 2002-4-23 (#477618@0)

patience -mamamio(玛玛米哦！); 2002-4-24 (#478509@0)

If your aim is for preparing TOEFL test, this frame work is perfect. -diao_david(Internship 在哪里？); 2002-4-23 (#477607@0)

真的是好问，只能挑出一个错：knowledge and patience. -pyramid(金字塔); 2002-4-23 (#477575@0)

Thank you. -littleboat(准备托福中); 2002-4-23 (#477622@0)

托福就喜欢这个格式。 -heian(㊣天使-考ing 4/5); 2002-4-23 (#477580@0)
my parents were highschool teachers, so I am probably not the best person to ask... -slimpiggy(瘦猪犹如插翅虎); 2002-4-23 (#477584@0)

No kiding. Please give me some advice. -littleboat(准备托福中); 2002-4-23 (#477615@0)

For whatever test you are preparing for, I suppose this is pretty good, and I had no trouble understanding the content. However, the piece is far from perfect. -slimpiggy(瘦猪犹如插翅虎); 2002-4-23 {344} (#477643@0)
For instance, looking at the first para:

You started with an affirmative statement. Followed by a factual claim that is against the assertion you just made. Then a lead-in sentence in the form of a rhetorical question.

The first para should state all of your assertions and arguments, be puntual and rehtorics has no place in this essay.

You mean normally do not use rhetorical question in first para. -littleboat(准备托福中); 2002-4-23 (#477671@0)

Rhetorics is a technique for speeches, it does not belong in formal writings. -slimpiggy(瘦猪犹如插翅虎); 2002-4-23 (#477675@0)

I see. -littleboat(准备托福中); 2002-4-24 (#479243@0)

1. Interesting --- interest. 2. become more different than before --- increasingly diverse. -6868(飞雪); 2002-4-23 {211} (#477644@0)
3. no one can --- no one could
4. He knows a lot of knowledge about teeth -- He knows a lot about teeth
5. but he hasn’t any knowledge -- but he doesn't have any knowledge or he knows little about computer

I got it. Thank you. -littleboat(准备托福中); 2002-4-23 (#477664@0)
"3. no one can --- no one could" Why? I don't understand. -littleboat(准备托福中); 2002-4-23 (#477685@0)

COULD 比CAN婉转一些，另一个原因是当你没有100%把握时，尽量避免用CAN。 -6868(飞雪); 2002-4-23 (#477732@0)

I see. Thank you. -littleboat(准备托福中); 2002-4-23 (#477745@0)

不好意思，提不出作文的意见，当改错题看呢。 -coala(考拉); 2002-4-23 {167} (#477679@0)
几个小错：
第一段，teacher是否应该都用复数
第三段，teacher's 应为复数
最后一段，built应用原形；

behavior该不该用复数，我犯胡涂，第三段的feeling也迷糊该不该加s。

be short on -coala(考拉); 2002-4-23 {44} (#477696@0)
有这个表达么？至少不该是原形吧，虚拟语气么？

should be " is short on". -littleboat(准备托福中); 2002-4-23 (#477753@0)

这个题目是模拟题还是真题？我怎么觉得很象中国人拟的题目。“父母是孩子最好的老师吗？”从题意上看，似乎强调的是父母作为子女的为人处事、思想品格、人生观方面的言传身教作用。个人观点，一家之言。 -pingle(迁徙综合症); 2002-4-23 (#477716@0)

可能是TOEFL BULLETIN 上的题目，作文题就从里面出拉。 -lazycat(沧海一笑); 2002-4-23 (#477727@0)
是托福题库里面的真题:D 呵呵,俺当年的雅思就是这个题目. -rainrain(小皮皮猪的雨雨阿姨); 2002-4-24 (#477955@0)

托福和雅思用一个题库?:O -pingle(迁徙综合症); 2002-4-24 (#478037@0)

he still be short on mathematics ??? -ameia(ameia); 2002-4-23 (#477717@0)
本虎也在托福准备中，虽然本虎文章其烂无比，但是看了不少范文，你的文章不错，但是好像用词较简单，另外鸡蛋里挑骨头，倒数第二段是否为what I wanted. -tigerwing(tigerwing); 2002-4-24 (#477929@0)

这个我觉着只要能把意思说明白就行了，何必非用“复杂”的词呢？俺班上的Canadian，有的写文章花哨极了，用的词连一般的Canadian 都想不起来用。可惜，写的报告并不因此得高分。 -diao_david(Internship 在哪里？); 2002-4-24 (#477956@0)

ROLLOR点评（我对托福作文没有研究，只是从作文的角度看这篇文章） -rollor(Rollor); 2002-4-24 {2283} (#478136@0)
本文发表在 rolia.net 枫下论坛Parents are the most important people in children's lives.
如果是我，我会说 IN A CHILD‘S LIFE。

Do you think they are the best teachers in our lives? My answer is no. They are the earliest teacher in our lives but not the best teacher.
为什么用问句？显得底气不太足。我会直截了当地说，尽管如此，他们并不是最好的老师。

First, Parents' knowledge is limited by many factors, such as major, education, interesting and so on.
有点像中文。而且，这一段的立意不好。家长的知识是有限的，任何学校任何老师的知识也是有限的。你没有对两者的区别进行比较。

With the social developing, people's jobs become more different than before, no one can know everything in all kinds of fields. My father is a very good dentist. He knows a lot of knowledge about teeth, but he hasn’t any knowledge about computer. Even he can learn some thing and then teach me, he still be short on mathematics that is a very necessary background for computer engineering.

Second, parents didn't get good training that the teacher's did. As a good teacher, he will learn a lot of knowledge then he can know how to guide children's interesting, how to encourage children and how to correct children's mistakes without hurting their feeling. I am sure many parents have not that kind of knowledge and patient.
KNOWLEDGE这个词重复太多。也许这样说更好些：THEY ARE SPECIALLLY TRAINED IN PROPER WAYS TO GUIDE A CHILD’S INTEREST，BUILDING UP A CHILD‘S CONFIDENCE，AND FINE TUNING THEIR BEHAVIOURS。

Third, parents love their children too deep to judge their children's behavior correctly. When I was learning how to play piano, my mother thought I was very tired and it is too hard for me. When I wanted to give up, she didn't push me and just let me do what I want. The result is my friends who studied piano with me can play piano very well, and I forgot everything.
纵容，放纵，LET GO，SPOIL，PRESSURE等等。这些词得用上啊。PUSH不是一个好词。

As all of reasons （OVER ALL）I think parents are not the best teachers for us（ARE YOU A KID？）. But parents are the most important teachers for us in the beginning of our lives（这一点不是此文的结论）. Their behavior help children built their personalities for their whole lives. （这一点也不是。应该把中心放在最后。如学校的老师才是真正的老师）更多精彩文章及讨论，请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net
我的托付老师上周刚好讲除了第一段可以用FIRT OF ALL.以后最好不用数字,SECOND THIRD...可用FURTHERMORE....;不要用自问自答的形式.她说那样象SALES PERSON. -giantpanda(大熊猫); 2002-4-24 (#478176@0)
insufficient words , I guess. you need to write more -gogoogooo(这个杀手不太冷); 2002-4-24 (#478488@0)

I think so. -littleboat(准备托福中); 2002-4-24 (#478779@0)

In my point of view, I'll mark this article as 5 at most . the struture is okay , purely TOEFL style , but the simplest one . You may ... -gogoogooo(这个杀手不太冷); 2002-4-24 {278} (#478498@0)
In my point of view, I'll mark this article as 5 at most . the struture is okay , purely TOEFL style , but the simplest one . You may want to use more reasonable and clearer sentence structures , for instance ,some transitional words , Umm... need to be more complicated one...

不是泼冷水，这作文，大概最多得4.5分。结构还好，语句还好，但是还差点。 -luobotour(萝卜头儿); 2002-4-24 (#477966@0)

首先，你没有能让考官觉得你这文章和别人有什么不一样。第二，你的结构是8股文，问题不大，但是结构不够利落严谨，三，词汇贫乏(这是以T的标准来看)。所以，能给4.5分就很不错了。你得多听反面意见，才能真达到你的目的。对吧？ -luobotour(萝卜头儿); 2002-4-24 (#477981@0)

Thank you. -littleboat(准备托福中); 2002-4-24 (#478088@0)
No, at least 5.5. -pyramid(金字塔); 2002-4-24 (#478336@0)

这就是我考托福的题目 -flying_fish(会飞的鱼鱼); 2002-4-24 (#478121@0)
范文 -littleboat(准备托福中); 2002-4-24 {1928} (#478260@0)
本文发表在 rolia.net 枫下论坛Throughout my life, I have been lucky enough to have a very good relationship with my parents. They have supported me, given me necessary criticism, and taught me a great deal about how to live my life. Parents can be very important teachers in our lives; however, they are not always the best teachers.

Parents may be too close to their children emotionally. Sometimes they can only see their children through the eyes of a protector. For example, they may limit a child’s freedom in the name of safety. A teacher might see a trip to a big city as a valuable new experience. However, it might seem too dangerous to a parent.

Another problem is that parents may expect their children’s interests to be similar to their own. They can’t seem to separate from their children in their mind. If they love science, they may try to force their child to love science too. But what is their child’s true love is art, or writing, or car repair?

Parents are usually eager to pass on their values to their children. But should children always believe what their parents do? Maybe different generations need different ways of thinking. When children are young, they believe that their parents are always right. But when they get older, they realize there are other views. Sometimes parents, especially older ones, can’t keep up with rapid social or technological changes. A student who has friends of all different race and backgrounds at school may find that his parents have narrower views. A student who loves computers may find that her parents don’t really understand or value the digital revolution. Sometimes kids have to find their own ways to what they believe in.

The most important thing to realize is that we all have many teachers in our lives. Our parents teach us, our teachers teach us, and our peers teach us. Books and newspapers and television also teach us. All of them are valuable.更多精彩文章及讨论，请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net

真是范文。高。 -rollor(Rollor); 2002-4-24 (#478269@0)

我那里有那本事。真的是范文。我从网上down的。 -littleboat(准备托福中); 2002-4-24 (#478290@0)

转LD大人的一点拙见: 你的Essay确实最多只能的5分, 4.5也是有可能的. 范文写的不错,但犯了一个策略性的错误: -icesnowman(爱江山也爱美人); 2002-4-24 {2797} (#478882@0)
本文发表在 rolia.net 枫下论坛根据TWE的评分标准(见下), 我们看到5分的作文除了要求generally well-organized and well-developed 和uses details to support a thesis or illustrate idea 之外还要求displays facility in the use of language, demonstrates some syntactic variety and range of vocabulary. 这正是和4分的差别.

我们也看到即使6分的文章也允许犯小错. 评分实际上更注重你对语言的驾驭能力, 例如句式的变换, 词汇的运用, 所以只写简单句, 用简单词汇可以不犯错误, 但得分只能4-5分.

范文写的不错, 原作者的功底很好. 但如果按TWE评分拿不了6分, 甚至有可能得很底的分数. 因为犯了一个策略性的错误: 它写了5段, 在短短的30分钟内, 一般写4段即可, 如果非要写5段, 那末就容易每段写的不够充分, 按评分标准就是not well-developed, 范文的第二段和第三段就有这个毛病, 相反第四段又太长了. LD说, 她有个同学就为此付出了沉重的代价, 本来想写5段, 稳拿6分, 结果只得了4.5分, 而平时的她的作文都是5.5到6分, 后来又不的不重考了一遍, 才拿到6分.

下面是TWE的评分标准:
TOEFL Scoring Guide

Score of 6

A typical essay at this level:

effectively addresses the writing task
is well organized and well developed
uses clearly appropriate details to support a thesis or illustrate ideas
displays consistent facility in the use of language
demonstrates syntactic variety and appropriate word choice, though it may have occasional errors

Score of 5

A typical essay at this level:

may address some parts of the task more effectively than others
is generally well-organized and well-developed
uses details to support a thesis or illustrate idea
displays facility in the use of language
demonstrates some syntactic variety and range of vocabulary, though it will probably have occasional errors

Score of 4

A typical essay at this level:

addresses the writing topic adequately but may slight parts of the task
is adequately organized and developed
uses some details to support a thesis or illustrate an idea
demonstrates adequate but possibly inconsistent facility with syntax and usage
may contain some errors that occasionally obscure meaning

Score of 3

A typical essay at this level may reveal one or more or the following weaknesses:

inadequate organization or development
inappropriate or insufficient details to support or illustrate generalizations
a noticeably inappropriate choice of words or word forms
an accumulation of errors in sentence structure and/or usage

Score of 2

A typical essay at this level is flawed by one or more of the following weaknesses:

serious disorganization or underdevelopment
little or no detail, or irrelevant specifics
serious and frequent errors in sentence structure and usage
serious problems with focus

Score of 1

A typical essay at this level:

may be incoherent
may be undeveloped
may contain severe or persistent writing errors更多精彩文章及讨论，请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net

你的这个主意真是太好了，非常支持。随便请问，小妹我刚刚开始准备托福，经验不多，想多找点范文学习，推荐几本书或网站好吗？非常谢谢！ -xiaomay(may(红五月）); 2002-4-25 (#480884@0)

@Florida

This is my essay. Please give me some advise. Thank you.

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