Thank you, wade&babyface! I can see both of you are very kind and mature ladies. -youdianfan(小城故事) @佛州华人论坛:佛州枫下论坛 The Rolia Forum of Florida

枫下佳缘 / 情爱悠悠 / 我和他的故事。不知何去何从。。 -youdianfan(小城故事); 2004-2-1 {907} (#1586406@0)
他从来没说过我爱你。只有当我问他：do you love me? 他会叹口气说，yes, i do love you.......一次我问他，都说西方人喜欢甜言蜜语啊，你怎么不喜欢说好听的话呢？他认真的想想说，是啊，我是比较特殊吧！

算算认识他2年多了吧，可是在一起的时间很少，不是开始我对和他交往犹豫，就是他去亚洲工作去了。可是奇怪的一直保持着联系，一周一封email,报告彼此的生活情况。

直到我回国探亲，他也飞到北京和我相见，两个人的关系才变得亲密了。可是一周以后又各分东西，虽然email多了，可是又疏远起来。

在北京，我曾经问他，你为什么总是reserved? 他不语。我很想问他，究竟他是什么想法，可是他总是回避。

可是，也许我根本也没有什么权力问他吧？因为我自己也没有答案——他是知道的。

昨晚我梦见了他。梦见他到北京工作了——这是他最大的希望。他是那么喜欢中国，甚至比我喜欢的更多，他对人的宽容和nice, 是我在很多男人身上没有看到的。可是这段感情，这样的飘悠不定，今年，我应该努力一下吗？还是，就选择放弃？

我知道，我不会再遇到像他一样的人了。

害羞的不那么喜欢甜言蜜语挂在嘴边的西方人也不少吧。问一遍"Do you love me?"，能得到"Yes, I do......."，就可以了吧。爱的投入也是双方互动的吧，你自己应该也意识到了，有保留的不只是他？ -pingle(想念夏天……); 2004-2-1 (#1586409@0)

你说的对，我也是有所保留，并且，最初是我保留。可是啊，他为什么不问我，不让我努力一下呢？随着时间推移，他知道我对他的感情了。他只是不说。。 -youdianfan(小城故事); 2004-2-1 (#1586424@0)

did you have sex with him? -allrichest(ifilucky); 2004-2-1 (#1586878@0)

why don't u tell him your concern and ask him? -babyface(︽开心需要理由吗?︾); 2004-2-1 (#1586420@0)

在北京的时候，我问过，他避开话题，却谈吃的。 -youdianfan(小城故事); 2004-2-1 {170} (#1586429@0)
我那个晚上说了很多指责他的话，想和他一刀两断了。我不喜欢猜来猜去的。可是第二天我还是去机场送他了。他说高高兴兴地说，我以为你不来了呢！还是那样，什么也没说，就坐飞机走了。

and don't ask yourself how much you are giving him, ask why you are the only special one to him?...........guess he is the special one to you already, from your word. ;-P -babyface(︽开心需要理由吗?︾); 2004-2-1 (#1586439@0)

有时候我想，最初我伤他心太多， -youdianfan(小城故事); 2004-2-1 {361} (#1586469@0)
刚认识的时候，他邀我去见他的朋友，去健身房，去...我都拒绝。而且，我还隐瞒过自己的事情——很重要的事情。也许，做错了就不能挽回了。很多男人看起来很好，可是却不善良，容忍。在北京，很多东西我受不了，开车的时候直想骂人，都是他在旁边劝慰我。有一次，找不到，我急得哭了，他还下车去问路。买东西，我帮他砍价，被小商小贩骂我帮外国人，都是他劝我开心。我想，我是做错了很多。

实际上轻松，快乐，自信的女人最有魅力。。。。。。。。或者以后他邀请你去作什么，见什么人，你就大大方方地去好了，什么事情都有第一次，不喜欢以后不去好了。:-) -babyface(︽开心需要理由吗?︾); 2004-2-2 (#1587494@0)

可能是这样的，他也喜欢你，这也许是没有错的，可是也许他不想有什么commitment, 他还没有准备好和一个女人建立long relationship. 所以啊，你们是有缘无份， -happygirl2002(little); 2004-2-1 (#1586531@0)
不要再追问. 用你的心去感觉, 那爱的感觉. -esther_r(Esther); 2004-2-1 (#1586550@0)
知道为什么西方电影里的“LOVE”中国人拍不出来吗？你从你的经历中应该能感受到：是人的不同，尤其是西方男人和中国男人大不相同。 -rachelh(rachel); 2004-2-1 (#1586682@0)

成龙早说过西方有“LOVE”，我们有“功夫”，象他这样的家伙确实只知道“功夫”，不知道“LOVE” -rachelh(rachel); 2004-2-1 (#1586687@0)

It is simple. He is still not sure about the relationship. Just think about him as a man, not a westerner. It is easier :). Push a little bit harder if you want to see what is really in his mind. -wade(wade); 2004-2-1 (#1586701@0)

曾经有人告诉我，男人最怕被push。怎么push容易被男人接受？ -youdianfan(小城故事); 2004-2-1 (#1586709@0)

:) From your description, he seems to be a very nice guy. If you speak your mind, he may appreciate your honesty. You mentioned that you asked him about the relationship and he did not answer. -wade(wade); 2004-2-1 {414} (#1586718@0)
Maybe the way you asked was too subtle, he just did not get it. So ask him more clearly. Ask him more about his plan in the future and see if his future plan accommodate you two in his picture :). You can tell him what your expectation from a relationship too. He should be able to get it:). If not, it means he may think differently about the relationship than you do. In that case, you know what to do, right? :)

Wade: thank you so much for your suggestion. It's very helpful and valuable for me. In fact, -youdianfan(小城故事); 2004-2-1 {789} (#1586757@0)
after bj trip, i wrote him an email about his feeling of our relationship. This is something he responded:

I think your explanation below is interesting.
> Largely, my feeling is the same but I'm wondering
> why
> it's so easy for you to articulate this.... Of
> course
> English is my first language yet you've explained
> some
> things better (& simpler) than I can....
>
> In short, the clarity of your thinking after the
> time
> in Beijing is what I was expecting (& hoping for)...
> When we'd met in Toronto (in July), I was very
> concerned about the decisions weighing on you & your
> ability to think clearly. Life altering decisions
> like
> this have a lasting effect on long term happiness.
> None of them should be made under any kind of
> duress...

my suggestion: -allrichest(ifilucky); 2004-2-1 {498} (#1586804@0)
if you want sex, just enjoy it; if you want love, you can try it; if you want a commitment (marriage, marriage is also no commitment in wesrern countries), wait ...........
I believe he don't know what you are thinking about, what you are taking about!!! you do not know how to deal with the relationship, because you don't undestand western culture. few of my western friends married after living together for more than 4 years.
I wish you couls understand what I mean, what you should do!!!

never saw and heard that the western people married without living together for long time!!!!!! -allrichest(ifilucky); 2004-2-1 (#1586817@0)

That's not quite true. -wade(wade); 2004-2-1 (#1586840@0)

It seems that he thinks both of you need more time in this relationship. You have to decide if you want to take his pace. -wade(wade); 2004-2-1 {144} (#1586831@0)
Guys like that are normally careful in making commitment. If he does, he means it. Maybe the waiting will reward you a longlasting happiness :).

如果她提出和他结婚,他认为她在开国际玩笑. 她他的思想是驴头不对马尾. 他她相互不懂对方的思想! -allrichest(ifilucky); 2004-2-1 (#1586847@0)

No he would not think she is joking. I think he understands the situation perfectly. Any guy(Chinese or Westerner) who is serious in relationship will be very careful in making commitment. -wade(wade); 2004-2-1 {464} (#1586861@0)
In a serious relationship, there is not much so called culture difference. If there is any difference, it might be more like difference between man and woman. Well, I am definitely not a relationship expert:). Just hope 小城故事 and her BF can work things out. It seems like her BF is a nice guy and she appreciate his kindness. It looks like something going on there. Wouldn't it be nice that they have a happy ending :)? It is just a wish from my side though :)

It's so nice of you, wade. thanks for your wish. -youdianfan(小城故事); 2004-2-2 {1124} (#1587232@0)
本文发表在 rolia.net 枫下论坛In fact, there may be some other choices for me to build up a relationship. but when i think about his kindness, not only to me, but also to other people-- his mother, his sister and the poor people in china...i feel this is the best that i expect in a man. i had a failed marriage , and he had a failed relationship that lasted 8 years...maybe this is why both of us are so careful and have complicated emotion to begin a new relationship...

Sometimes i wonder why it is not smooth for us to work out a relationship..is it because we are in different cultures? or it's because our personalities? i am very chinese..i like to speak chinese, read chinese books and appreciate chinese culture... he is an engineer..he was born in toronto, grew up in the town and suddenly, one day he realized he has to be with a chinese girl( i don't know why) ...so maybe there's something like culture shock between us.

the reason why i post my story here is that i really really feel myself so confused...and wanna listen to some advice...i believe 当事者迷，旁观者情。而且这是个中国人的网站，他不会看到，所以不会伤害到任何人。更多精彩文章及讨论，请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net

Give him more time, and just be yourself, he will give his commitment when he realise how wonderful you are himself. -babyface(︽开心需要理由吗?︾); 2004-2-2 (#1587247@0)
You are welcome, 小城故事 :) -wade(wade); 2004-2-2 {779} (#1587291@0)
Don't think too much about culture stuff. You are in a relationship. It only involves two individuals. There are two issues you may concern. One is why he suddenly realized that he has to be with a Chinese woman. You know there are 0.5B Chinese woman there :). Why you are the special one for him. Second is his 8-year relationship. You may want to know why it did not work out. This is a little bit sensitive. He may not want to talk about it in front of you. But at least you need to figure out if he has problem to make a longterm commitment like marriage unless marriage is not in your expectation package.

I think he is a very nice guy but you have to make sure that you know what he wants from this relationship. As babyface said, gave him some time and be yourself :).

Thank you, wade&babyface! I can see both of you are very kind and mature ladies. -youdianfan(小城故事); 2004-2-2 {683} (#1587484@0)
wade, you are right. I have never asked myself why i'm the one he's interested.yes, there're so many chinese girls in toronto..and i'm myself staying in a hard-to-say situation.i really don't know why..he doesn't often praise me..except for sometimes he admired i had a good taste in clothing..

his ex-girlfriend is also a chinese, but not from mainland china. she came to canada maybe at her 7 or 8. he told me he realized she became not-very-kind to people and was mean to her family after a few years they'd been together. The reason they broke up is that the girl went with his best friend when he worked in asia...otherwise, he said, maybe they would go into marriage.

Check your email -wade(wade); 2004-2-2 (#1587607@0)

i didn't get it.:(( -youdianfan(小城故事); 2004-2-2 (#1587630@0)

Did you check your junk mail folder :)? -wade(wade); 2004-2-2 {214} (#1587658@0)
Nothing important in the email. Just wish you good luck in the relationship :). If you want to delete some of the posts for the privacy reason, please let me know. I will delete mine first, so you can delete yours.

please check your email.. -youdianfan(小城故事); 2004-2-2 (#1587749@0)

i am so with u. ;-P -babyface(︽开心需要理由吗?︾); 2004-2-2 (#1587245@0)

he is mature with a clear head.......indeed. ;-) -babyface(︽开心需要理由吗?︾); 2004-2-2 (#1587243@0)

Dump the one u feel u have to push.........and find one that u feel u don't have to ;-))) -babyface(︽开心需要理由吗?︾); 2004-2-1 (#1586719@0)

错错错，绝对的错！！ -rachelh(rachel); 2004-2-1 (#1586766@0)

LOL..........To push or not depends on the pusher. :-) -babyface(︽开心需要理由吗?︾); 2004-2-2 (#1587121@0)

中国人怎么有印象说洋人随便说”I LOVE U“呢？没有这回事，洋人说”I LOVE U “的时候比中国人小心多了，洋人大概只有SEX算是比中国人开放，正经事我看都够RESERVE的 -rachelh(rachel); 2004-2-2 (#1587672@0)

我怎么觉得连ＳＥＸ也没有老中开放，你看《手机》：） -baygirl(冰淇凌); 2004-2-2 (#1587760@0)

赶超英美嘛！ -babyface(︽开心需要理由吗?︾); 2004-2-2 (#1587769@0)
有可能，俺不了解现实中国行情，反正觉得正经的洋人并不是什么都随便的，我们看到的一些出格的东西洋人的报纸上也认为不是MAINSTREAM的，不过他们的言论自由得多罢了 -rachelh(rachel); 2004-2-2 (#1587877@0)

@Florida

Thank you, wade&babyface! I can see both of you are very kind and mature ladies.

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