Don't blame God, don't blame anyone -bchung(chung) @佛州华人论坛:佛州枫下论坛 The Rolia Forum of Florida

枫下佳缘 / 情爱悠悠 / What should I do? -lonelyghost(lonely ghost); 2003-4-13 {1037} (#1138021@0)
本文发表在 rolia.net 枫下论坛I live like a lonely ghost. I sometimes think the extreme loneliness is driving me crazy. I'm not sure if he still loves me or not. But we talked a lot on the phone 2 years ago when we first seperated because of job. Now, I can hardly reach him by phone. Either nobody answers the phone or when he finally answers, he is too busy to spend 2 minutes talking to me. I could't believe when I found out that he didn't even remember my work phone number.

I'm still in this marriage, and I tried to refrain myself from jumping into other romance. But everyone has some basic need -- the need of talking to someone when he/she is in trouble, the need of knowing that someone still cares about him/her, and the need of dignity. And he is pushing me to a limit.

I sometimes slip into deep despair on weekend. I didn't do anything wrong in this marriage. But why would God want to punish me like this?

I'm not sure what I should do now. Is divorce my only destine? What will divorce bring to me? Please give me some sincere advice.更多精彩文章及讨论，请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net

If a guy do that, that mean he don't love you any more. -earthcitizen(地球公民); 2003-4-13 (#1138027@0)

You'd better don't spend any more time on worrying the marriage, -earthcitizen(地球公民); 2003-4-13 {344} (#1138045@0)
If you continue to do that, you will find you'll 越陷越深. I do have similar experience before....My suggestion is spending your time to find what is the root cause of your crisis, then make a plan, set up a schedule to resolve the issue. If you find you can not resolve it at last, then you'd better to make the decision to end the marriage.

you needn't divorce, try to find a boyfriend who live in the same city with you. Maybe he can listen to your story and give you comfort. -xslu(steven); 2003-4-13 (#1138029@0)

Are you a good listener? I desparately need some comfort from someone may be like you???? -bchung(chung); 2003-5-27 (#1207435@0)

上教堂，上帝会保佑你的 -bobo123(bobo); 2003-4-13 (#1138040@0)

I believe god also blesses those who do not go to church. -wind999(Wind); 2003-7-13 (#1283590@0)

never -diver(); 2003-7-13 (#1283611@0)

in this case, do nothing, keep quiet for a couple of months, and even do not phone him and mail him, he will contact to you. otherwise, game is over. -qdwater(water); 2003-4-13 (#1138215@0)
When I can finally think... -lonelyghost(lonely ghost); 2003-4-13 {580} (#1138903@0)
Thanks everyone for your valuable time and good advice.
At least I know someone would help when I reach out.

Monday is coming. It's a relief for me. Work seems to be the only way that can temporarily keep me out of this crazy desperate mood. But yeah, I'll definitely try out what you guys told me.

Though I sound like an incurable pessimist, but deep in my heart ( i can finally listen to my heart now after having slept for the whole afternoon), I still wish some miracle would happen that could save my marriage.

Please wish me good luck.

God bless you and me.

good luck. I believe in miracle, b/c it happened to me! -secretgarden(跳跳蓝莓); 2003-4-13 (#1138966@0)

Thanks, secretgarden. I feel like you are a nice girl...god bless you. -lonelyghost(lonely ghost); 2003-4-18 (#1148536@0)

calm down and act -countrymusic(CountryMusiker); 2003-4-20 {233} (#1148593@0)
You need more evidence to justify your guess. Anyway, time will tell. But, be good to yourself, find someone to talk to when you are lonely. There are many others who are in the similar situation with you. They are expecting you too.
how long is your marriage? not sure your talking about your hubby or b/f -oedipussy(oedipussy); 2003-4-20 (#1149663@0)

I won't be so upset if he's just my boyfriend. -lonelyghost(lonely ghost); 2003-4-21 (#1149963@0)

don't be so upset, do something! -zjieding(七星瓢虫); 2003-5-20 {1015} (#1197306@0)
Do something for your marriage if you still want keep it, do something for yourself, make yourself happier!
Certain things happen, it's nobody's fault, even when you found it's the other's fault, it doens't mean that you'll not feel the pain.
At this point, the damage is already done maybe. so think it thought, do something to help, maybe things is not that bad, you're just too sensitive, etc.
If you can't do anything to resecue the marriage, you have to know, in this world, your life and your own body and health is the most important thing in the world. See what happened as an experience, see it as a lesson learned, bless the best for others, and do your best for yourself!!!
Try to do something to make you happy, make you life more colourful, make new friends, and talk to others! In the world, you're not alone at this point, there's lots of worst thing happen. don't think it's god punish you, no, you have to resure yourself, it's going to be FINE!
Good lucky and have a good mood!

I read something recently -- -lonelyghost(lonely ghost); 2003-5-25 {1158} (#1204170@0)
本文发表在 rolia.net 枫下论坛"Only when we are comfortable with who we are and can function independently in a healthy way, can we truly function within a relationship. Two halves do not make a whole when it comes to a healthy relationship: It takes two wholes".

I start to realize that I'm perhaps just a "half", maybe 3/4, but definitely not a whole. I rely too much on him-- for a long time, his phone call was the only thing that could bring me happiness. And that, is simply not right.

Yeah, I need to be happy, and I have to be happy by myself.

But if I could live happily by myself, why do I need the marriage and love? Do you believe it if I say God gives people love because he wants people to suffer? Do you believe it if I say when I pray to God, he tells me that he can't save me unless I can save myself first?

I wonder by the time I'm "happy", am I still going to wait for his phone call until 2am, am I still going to stand in the rain with an umbrella waiting for his bus, am I still going to believe what he told me -- I'm his angel.

I lost something forever.

Sorry for being upset again. I hope this is the last time. I'm getting better..更多精彩文章及讨论，请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net

You live a life for yourself first -jack8(jack a friend); 2003-6-18 {288} (#1246414@0)
we all love someone in this world and we all make commitment to something or someone. but the first and foremost is to live a life without regret - that's to live for yourself first. I am sure you know this already. Sometimes such obvious things are forgotten. Just a friendly reminder.

Yeah, you are right. And that's not so tough as I have imagined... -lonelyghost(lonely ghost); 2003-6-29 (#1262895@0)

Don't blame God, don't blame anyone -bchung(chung); 2003-6-30 {1825} (#1264801@0)
本文发表在 rolia.net 枫下论坛Loneliness hurts and it is hard to bear. I don't know exactly what your husband is thinking but from what you have written I feel how you are feeling. I think what you need to do is to calm down and think straight. If you love him give him time; and if you think he is having an affair with a third person, then it is up to you to end the relationship. But end it nicely. Don't jump into a relationship with anyone so soon because you are not ready for it. You might end up getting into another mess or trouble in your life if you jump into a relationship with another person with this state of mind. You need time to heal. You are hurt, you feel betrayed and that the whole world is unfair to you; you feel despair, hopeless and helpless. Inside you are empty. You think God is punishing you. You might not have done anything wrong in this marriage, but we are living in a world that eveyone is a sinner. And when someone sins, someone else gets hurt. I don't think God is punishing you; God loves you. It is our sins that cause all these. No one on earth, except God, can save your troubled soul and spirit. I think God is trying to tell you something using this incident. If you believe in God, you will be healed and you will be given the power and wisdom to do what you need to do with your marriage. Remember, even when everyone on this earth turn thei back against you; and even no one seems to be listening to you; God is listening. God knows what is good for you and what is bad for you. A lot of times we work or fight so hard for something that is now even ours. I hope you undersand what I am trying to say. Remember: God loves you. He wants the best things for you if you would slow down, listen to and believe in God. I hope you have a Christian friend to talk to and attend a church. God bless you........更多精彩文章及讨论，请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net

Thanks...but I still counldn't believe that I really have any sin...and I tried to pray to God too... -lonelyghost(lonely ghost); 2003-7-5 {610} (#1271141@0)
I do have Christian friends...but all they want is I become a Christian(sorry I've said that, I didn't mean to hurt you, but that's what I really feel)...
God should help me too...even if I'm not a Christian...
But I do agree that I'm not ready and should not jump into another relationship yet...thanks...I think God would say that too if he really wants to help :b-)
but so far...all I learned is, if I don't know how to protect myself, nobody knows; if I don't take care of myself, nobody would, and if I'm too nice and kind...people would easily hurt me and take advantage of me...is that right?

Your reaction/response to what you've gone through is totally understandable -bchung(chung); 2003-7-8 {2291} (#1275344@0)
本文发表在 rolia.net 枫下论坛I totally agree with what you are doing now; that is to protect yourself from bing hurt and being taken advantage of again. You have to take care of yourself, nobody can really protect you except yourself. Remember that this is a world full of sins; people are hurting each other knowingly and not-knowingly. Sins do not just include killings and stealing; sins also including cheating, lying, being selfish etc. And believe it or not, God is protecting you with His invinsble hands. He knows what you have gone through. But the problem is you do not know Him. Even so, God still loves you. I think you might have mistaken what your Christian friends were trying to tell you. To become a Christian by name will not get you out of the problems in your life. The most important thing is to really get to know what Christian belief is all about, who Jesus Christ and how He can be your savior. Everyone sins in this world. If you admit the sins of your past, accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior; you will be saved and your life will begins to change. Of course God helps you even if you are not a Christian. But the fact is that a lot of people take things for granted when they do not believe in God. When they are successful, they think it is all because of their hard work. When they have love, they think it is because they are lovable. They do not know the truth behind the scene. God is the one who gives, and he is also the one who takes away. So take this opportunity and come to know God for He is the light and the truth. If you really do so, you perspective will be totally changed, your wound will be healed. You will be a lot wiser than before. Even though I do not know you but I can understand how you feel. There have been so many times in my life that I have fallen down; I remember I even took the blame on God. I hated God because I thought He allowed all those bad things to happen to me. It took ten years to finally come to know who Jesus Christ is, admit that I am a sinner and accept Him to be my personal savior. I really hope you can know Him. You can start by reading the new testament (Mathew, Mark, Luke and John) in the Bible. Remember that God loves you and He knows that you'r hurt. He is hurt too because you do not know him. I will pray for you.....更多精彩文章及讨论，请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net

You are very persuasive. And really thanks for praying for me. I actually believe in praying. May God bless you too. -lonelyghost(lonely ghost); 2003-7-12 (#1283459@0)

I can understand you completely!! -astigmatism(astigmatism); 2003-7-8 {1478} (#1276487@0)
本文发表在 rolia.net 枫下论坛I got the almost the same tragedy just three month before.The only difference is I lost my wife.I was devastated.I didn't go to work,couldn't eat and sleep,lost 15 pounds in just one week.I prepared everything and hardworked for her to immigrate to Canada.At the same day she got the visa,she contacted me and said very sorry,she loves another guy in China now. That's just unbelievable to me.She told me she couldn't explain it,and this kind of thing wouldn't have happened if I was in China stay with her.I always stay in my room and read the love letters and love emails she sent to me before.It just couldn't be accepted because we had true love before,not just arrangement marriage.

Maybe you think men are just cold-blooded based on your issue,but I want to say some women are the same.She said she knew it's totally her false,but if she comes,she would only bring guilt to me but no love! I received an email that has nothing but only hundreds of "SORRY". I couldn't restrain my feeling when I saw your post.I wrote this reply and just want to tell you,you are absolutely not the only one that has this kind of tragedy.Your condition is also a little bit better than mine,because your husband hasn't say anything yet.If you really love him,you should have a try.Right now I am still in sadness,but things are getting better.So I think you definitely can go through it.But I think for this kind of thing,time maybe is the best healer for you.God bless you!更多精彩文章及讨论，请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net

Try to delete all the email, throw away letter and photos, erase her completely from your life and memory. And look forward... -lonelyghost(lonely ghost); 2003-7-12 {434} (#1283543@0)
I found that the most effective way is to forget and to believe that you could have a happy life even without her.

I used to think that I would be really miserable without him. But after going through all of these, I start to perfer staying alone by myself...I know that I can have a better and happier life of my own...and I want to strive for it. When I'm busy planning for my next step, I start to gradually forget my past...

Don't focus on divorce too much, since you still cherish your marriage and will to communicate with your husband. If he is too busy to share 2 -safina(Rise of Nations); 2003-7-12 {871} (#1283522@0)
minutes to talk on phone, then try to drop him some lines about your feeling. Don't bother him until he responds. You know, the more you push him, the more he would be annoyed. It is not so called cold war, but to give him enough time to figure out the problems.

You described yourself as a pessimistic lady. I am wondering whether it is your true attitude to life. Human beings are not living only for their spouses. Only those who respect life deserve love. Be confident and brave, my sister! An optimistic, happy, confident lady is attractive, amazing and always welcome.

No matter what happens(even divorce), it won't beat you, because you must survive and will survive. Be patient and calm, you will find the best solution!

Keep telling yourself : I will survive. I deserve love!

Come on, give me a hug and a smile, and tell me you feel better now.

Hi, you are amazing. Happy and confident -- that's exactly what I want to be, and what I'm striving for. Thanks for your encouragement... -lonelyghost(lonely ghost); 2003-7-13 {187} (#1283565@0)
I AM getting better...and I'm so lucky that I have a very good friend who always encourages me like that...
And I'm happy today since I can meet an amazing person like you on the web!

It 's my pleasure! See, You did survive! No matter you are married, single or divorced, be independent, spiritual and financial. Try to be more flexible. Live alone but not lonely!---A sweet dream! -safina(Rise of Nations); 2003-7-13 {47} (#1283618@0)
If you have desires and dreams, turn them true!

Stop asking yourself why because there is no right and wrong in the world of emotion. When love is gone, it is gone. Nobody can do anything about it. Face it and get over it. -wind999(Wind); 2003-7-13 (#1283583@0)
Divorce is not your destiny, it is your CHOICE. -fairytale(天韵); 2003-7-15 (#1287732@0)

@Florida

Don't blame God, don't blame anyone

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